We will start this with a small confession from the writer... 100% of previously posted match reports have been written from unreliable sources, hashed together scorecards and a wild imagination for the events!

So this marks the first report written from a concise set of iPhone notes with accurate stat taking and emoji commentary of the game. All the important moments were recored from lengthy defensive sets, a small debacle with an empty goal and the unanimously voted* Ick of the Day.

So buckle up and lets begin...

The first quarter started goalless for the majority as each team found their feet - literally and figuratively. The ground conditions proving a challenge due to the recent rain and bodies were hitting the turf faster than Pitbull could say 'Timber'.

Bristol's Matt King (20) was first to sneak a ball past Cheltenham keeper James Humphreys as the minutes counted down in the first quarter. Not content with this, Cheltenham's Curtis Hibberd saw two opportunities to use up his valuable (and limited) sodium reserves and score back to back goals with assists from pole Matt Parkes and attackman Jacob Troth.

In the final moments of the quarter, a slow defensive clear from Cheltenham saw Parkes transition the ball over the halfway line before a textbook give and go with Max Biddlestone to score Cheltenham's 3rd. Q1 ending 3 - 1.

Bristol started with 2nd quarter fired up and players 18, 12 and 21 took advantage of a few communication problems in the Cheltenham defence. When life gives you open space, score the goal... thats how the saying goes right?

Time out was called by Cheltenham for a bit of composure as Bristol cheered 'they're rattled boys'... but as Taylor Swift sings about Karma, James Cole delivered a beauty of a goal with the assist again from Max Biddlestone, proving no one was rattled yet.

Then followed a defensive set for Cheltenham, which felt longer than a Scorcese film, with Keeper James Humphreys head-butting and yeeting shots with the poise of Ederson to keep Bristol at bay.

Matt Parkes earned himself a starry-eyed emoji for his interception before transitioning the ball swiftly into attack. David Lennox was looking for his first of the game but instead got the assist with a snipe of a feed from X to Max Biddlestone on the doorstep who buried a shot past Bristol keeper and Captain Danny Fagan.

Half time: Cheltenham 5 - 4 Bristol

The 3rd quarter started with horror as recent Bristol 'Transfer' Tom Blunsden had the audacity to score against his former team, with a great lefty shot from near GLE. Asking for the fans Tom... how could you?!

Still in shock from the previous goal, the notetaker failed to add anything exciting to the next goal besides.. Bristol 18 G. Either it was unexciting or Curtis Hibberd running off the pitch squawking with calf cramp may have caused a distraction.

Cheltenham's David Lennox (finally) got his first goal of the game as Max Biddlestone returned the favour and assisted him for a powerful finish to keep the game close.

First goals are followed by first penalties... Cheltenham's Rhys Topping took a little 30 second breather as a ran into a Bristol player taking his sweet time attempting to pick up the ball.

Bristol's 20 took advantage of their man-up to score his second of the day as Bristol moved the ball with precision around the goal. This highlight was swiftly followed by the aforementioned Ick of the Day - a slow and overly calculated roll of the ball between the legs to a teammate, or was it a pass gone wrong? Either way we saw it, we voted**, you won.

Cheltenham needed something big as we moved into the 4th Q and Max Biddlestone answered with another his 2nd goal, assisted by Jacob Troth. Unfortunately, Bristol's King needed to redeem the icky and secured his hat-trick with another big goal.

Si Benyon was the hero we didn't know we needed at this moment... the fans asked him for sexy, and he gave it to us! With a flash of his undershorts (sexy being subjective) and a pick from Biddlestone, Si delivered with a twister to the far side of the cage. A nod to his fan club was all the celebration he gave. Very demure, very mindful.

A Guy Oldring intercept was the momentum Cheltenham needed heading into a more tense 4 minutes than the entire watching of Get Out. Humphreys found James Cole waiting on the half who delivered the ball safely into Biddlestone's stick as he faked out Fagan and found the net.

Surely keeping the ball safe was all Cheltenham needed to do to keep the W you ask? And you would be correct but a missed pass led to the ball heading back off the wrong end, to find Bristol 18 wanting his third and a hattrick he got.

Tensions were high, Dan Martin was pacing disconcertingly on the sideline and only 30 seconds left... surely time for someone to shine! Bristol's Fagan saved a Cheltenham shot in the dying moments only for a small and indescribable calamity to follow but this report is already too long and the game was done so we won't go into details.

Final score 9 - 9 Draw

Cheltenham Points:
Max Biddlestone 3G, 3A
Curtis Hibberd 2G, DNF
David Lennox 1G, 1A
Matt Parkes 1G, 1A
James Cole 1G, 1A
Si Benyon 1G
Jacob Troth 2A

Man of the Match: Matt Parkes

*Votes counted and verified by an independent source.
** 2 people were consulted